My Review at 2012 Hoax

On account of some snarky comments I made about the History Channel's Apocalypse Island, I was invited to do a review about it over at 2012 Hoax.Org which was interesting. Normally I am all about speculation and the possible "What-If's" but this time I'm on the other side.

Read my scathing/entertaining review of Apocalypse Island: Pulp Fiction here. It's also cool that I am now listed beside Penn and Teller on their guest spot.

What Turner (not the infamous pirate) wants you to see.
And what you get.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Apocalypse Island

Now don't get me wrong, I WANT TO BELIEVE but History Channel's latest offering Apocalypse Island really left something to be desired. The shots of the supposed Mayan monuments on a remote south pacific island looked more like natural weathering to me. In fact all of the pics on the net I could find look even worse than what I saw on the program and I found absolutely no reason to post them and try to show anyone. I can't get no satisfaction-sorry listening to my Pandora mix and hey it fit anywho.
This is what the History Channel actually posts about the program."Does a remote island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean hold the final clue to the Mayans apocalyptic predictions concerning 2012? One explorer thinks he's discovered the answers that have eluded man for centuries. Jim Turner stumbled on this remote artifact over a decade ago and has spent the past ten years preparing an expedition to prove that this is the place they foretold that the gods would come to watch the final minutes of civilization as we know it."It's sensationalist drivel. Yes it's a good spot to see an eclipse in 2012-but so what? In trying to put to words my frustration over the programs lack of any real data, I came away with the thought that these dudes were pulling a Choose Your Own Adventure. They were making it up-seeing what they wanted to see. Might as well have been seeing Mayan monuments in cloud formations. That hurts because I have done the same thing plenty of times but I had to call this spade a spade.For your nostalgic enjoyment take a look at the covers for some of my favorite old Choose Your Own Adventure books. Good stuff from my youth. Some of them may not be as popular as they could have been but still a good read back in the day.

New Year, Same Old Garbage

Good Thing I have editors.

This just made me laugh AND feel sorry for the youth of today.

How to resign with dignity and get back at those who stood against you.

No matter how chronologically out of place it seems-I am putting this bad boy in my weird western. Curelom's HO!

It's the economy, oh and the lackluster Spiderman 3 movie.

New implantable anti-terrorist tracking devices.

Polar bears read Al Gore's e-mail's?

My favorite Duran Duran album...oh wait. MY favorite Vampire album.

In case anyone wondered if I was pro-gun.

Looking Back Best of 2009...

My pointless list of Best Of's ie my faves for 2009, I will attempt to keep it to things from 2009 but on occasion they may simply be things I found in 2009.

Best Personal Triumph:
Signed a two book contract with WiDo Publishing for Heroes of the Fallen and Blood of Our Fathers they also have first rights for the continuing series-which I greatly hope it will be-roughs for the next two are already started.To a lesser degree, won a general fiction contest for Dance the Ghost with Me a weird western I plan on finishing in 2010. And I did finish a Spartan novel Bless the Child which is in revision at the moment.

Best Novel I read this year: Joe Abercrombie's Last Argument of Kings. It wasn't released this year-Best Served Cold was but I liked LAOK better.

Best Non-Fiction read this year: Bruce Porter and Rod Meldrum's Prophecies and Promises. As far as I'm concerned it settles the B of M geography issue.

Best CD I bought this year: Yes, I still bought CD's this year like maybe 4 of them-the least ever since I was a kid and started buying cassette tapes. Morrissey's Years of Refusal has a couple good tracks but I can't say that they measure up to his previous works by any stretch. Lacuna Coil's Shallow Life would have to be my most listened to album of the year and I still like their 2006 Karmacode better.

Best Movie I saw in 2009: This is tough because I honestly can't think of anything that really tops stuff that's older. I may go with Inglorious Bastards. There were lots of movies that could have been great (Wolverine) but stunk. This is what happens when you stray from source material people-it sucks. I don't have high hopes for the next Conan movie either.


Best piece of Art: I bought this year. Dixon Leavitt's Stripling Warriors. Every time I walk past this in my living room I have to look at it. Bear in mind I did buy several paintings this year and also bear in mind what I can afford since I can't afford a Frazetta.

Best Musical: I saw this year: watched Grease 2 with the wife a week or two ago and had a good time doing Mystery Science Theater 3000 to it. I mean whats with Crater Face from Grease 1 still hanging around isn't he like 40 in the continuum by now? That and you see him in a Hawaiian shirt at the Luau right before he suddenly attacks it at the end. Yeah I don't really watch musicals. And could this outfit be MORE gay?

Best Graphic Novel: read this year: Props to Brandon Dayton for his Green Monk it was just too short. Props as well to IDW for re releasing the original G.I.Joe comics from the 80's those are excellent (Again movie that could have been great if it stuck to the source material but Su-Didely-Ucked!!! instead) As far as a 2009 release I am still gonna go with reprinted yet new material (to me) Savage Sword of Conan volume 6. Reprints from the black and white mag of the 70's.


Best Old Book: I discovered in 2009: War Commentaries of Caesar by Julius Caesar. Liked it so much I even had to take a line for the opening quote in my novel. That and I have started my love of the ROME TV series late. Love it though, gripping speculative storytelling set within historical parameters. Got it for Christmas. Guess I can add best TV to this segment too even though the series is older. Other Best TV would have to go to History Channel for my fav shows-Monster Quest, B.C. Battles, Warriors with Terry Schapert, and Ancient Discoveries.

and finally my latest post on twitter. Unbelievable jobs I actually had (however briefly) this year: Insulation/Building Inspector, NaNo tech R&D, Gun-safe assembly line, Novelist.

Ages Undreamed Of vol. 2

PIPES
I am amazed at the sheer amount of ancient stone effigy pipes that have been found all across America. Most seem to be small simple things yet still would have taken perhaps hundreds of man hours of creation. Like the myriad of arrowheads tossed into mounds I doubt these were merely ceremonial objects given over for rituals.

Yes ritual has a very important place in ancient life but I just can't believe every single object that looks odd to modern man must ipso-facto be a religious artifact. People smoke a lot today and they used smoke a lot anciently.

I thought I would post some of the more interesting pipes I have found and tell you to which characters in my book they belong.
This beauty is Akish-Antum's the Gadianton Grand Master and greatest antagonist of Heroes of the Fallen I like the merging of the tarantula and skull, it is truly the most bizarre of all the pipes I have come across.

This bird of prey reclining pipe is featured in chapter one. It belongs to Hiram a judge in Zarahemla.

This interesting piece belongs to Rezon, a caravan leader and self styled Fabulous prince of merchants. I mention the pipe but never actually tell the reader what it looks like-editor asked a couple times but I didn't divulge-but you faithful blog reader now know, what embarrassed Bethia to see him puffing on.

I know I say someone has a frog pipe. But I can't recall who at this moment.

Apophis the king of Tullan has a snorting dragon pipe.

Ah, I love speculative historical fantasy fiction and the true bizarre things that inspire it.

Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

I came across this years ago but even that was years after the fact, so there are probably some people out there that still have not been subjected to this insanity so here ya go.




What's with those girl's shrugging? Is that what passed for keen dance moves back then?

One Horse Open SLAY!!!

One Horse Open Slay!

A Right Jolly Old Elf.

Pressure, thanks a lot Kris.

Back to our roots here.

Not gonna play any Reindeer games.

This was just for shock value so that the next one won't seem so odd.

Santa the Barbarian.

But this might be pushing some people over the edge.

I can't believe someone came up with these Ho-Ho-Ho's, let alone a martial art known as Claus Fu?

Maybe the Glen Campbell album won't sound so bad now.

This just might push me into celebrating Kwanza or Wookie Life Day.

He cost 6 million dollars he better be able to sing.Probably still not as good as when Lee Majors helped Santa out in "The Night the Reindeer Died"

I pity the fool that don't love Christmas.